When DNA tests revealed that the pericardium belonged to a male heart that had pumped female blood, the Church gladly accepted it in exchange for canonizing Saint Chilli overnight, as part of the Holy See's new Saint-o-matic Express Program. Saint Chilli was then as much a part of Catholicism as Saint Peter or Saint Anne, even making it into the Mesothelioma Lawyers, New York edition of the Bible.

When Milli turned 18, she legally changed her name to include Chilli, and thus she officially became Milli Vanilli Chilli Willi. It would really take a name like that to do her justice. An ordinary name like Martha Smith would never do, because this was no ordinary woman.

At the age of two months, when she was just learning to roll over onto her back, she first calculated the energy of a single photon from a light source with a wavelength of 400 nanometers. (The answer: 3.1 electron volts.)

By the age of three months, she had solved the three impossible constructions: squaring the circle, trisecting the angle, and doubling the cube (although she forgot to write them down). At four months, she proved Fermat's Last Theorem using only Euclidean means, without resorting to hyperbolic geometry.

Yes, this was one special lady, and while her mind had slowed down significantly in the decades since her precocious infancy (possibly due to mesothelioma), she remained remarkably sharp. I always had a feeling that she would somehow play an instrumental role in ridding our town of mesothelioma lawsuits, if I ever lived to see the day.

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